My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Randomize
