Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
