I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My feet surprised me
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