Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
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And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
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What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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