just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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