At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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