I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Holy shit dude........stairs
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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