haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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