I hope mine doesn't look like that
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
