capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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