i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
