Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
