I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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