We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
