last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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