She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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