he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
