do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
