Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
