Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
