for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
