I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
