Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
