chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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