The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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