omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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