My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
