So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You can't special order awesome
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
