I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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