Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
