He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
