someone threw a dead crab at me
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.