Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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