If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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