sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
