I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
