Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
