Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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