oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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