Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I smell like Dick and happiness
there is glitter all over my balls
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