Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
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Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
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I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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