There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Found the puke drawer
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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