There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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