While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
