i already hear my dad disowning me
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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