How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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