I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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