Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
