Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Randomize
