i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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