Plan B is the new Plan A
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
