I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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