Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I see more hoeing in ur future
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