I'm pants shitting drunk right now
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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