a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
