this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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