I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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