my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We are all done wearing pants today
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
