Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
