I think my vagina is haunted
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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