i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
you inspire me to be a worse person
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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